Etsy. You may know it as that place your Mrs spends her evenings spending her hard earned cash on stickers and candles.
But it’s actually much more than that. In many ways it reminds me of the “hand made” version of eBay. And it turns out a bunch of kinky fuckers have been hard at work hand making all manner of weird and wonderful male sex toys.
In this post we’re going to take a look at 20 male sex toys I found on Etsy, and believe me, they get increasingly weird as we go down the list.
Let’s jump right in, shall we?
#1: The Anal Blaster
Ho ho. The old joke present.
Who wouldn’t want to mail a cock shaped object (a carrot, arf arf) to one of their pals?
With an amusing label on the outside:
- Cleaning wipes included
- Guaranteed satisfaction or your money back
- Suction base of easy mounting
And the appropriately cock shaped carrot in the padded envelope, this one is comedy japes for both the recipient and the lucky posty.
Just a fiver for this one, and I guess the receiver could make use of the carrot in multiple ways. Heck, the price of food’s going up so fast lately this might even compare favourably with your local supermarket.
#2: The World’s Smallest Fleshlight
For those with a micro penis and below, there’s the world’s smallest Fleshlight.
Fairly sure this is not an official Fleshlight product. I mean, the price kinda gives that away – just £2.20.
Of course it’s non-functional. Don’t be daft.
This one is sold as being for a dolls house or Barbie… I mean, what the fuck?
But still, on we go.
#3: Vagasaurus
Another sort of Fleshlight-esque thing here, but I guess I get the ‘joke’ a little better. Don’t worry, we are going to get on to actually useful and usable men’s sex toys very shortly.
The Vagasaurus is described as a gift, ideal for Stag Do’s.
There’s a cock version for Hen Parties. These hand makers don’t miss a trick, do they?
I guess it’s the kind of novelty item one might place on their office desk, nestled next to a stapler and a well used stress ball.
Cheap enough at only £5.39. I bet Prague is littered with the cunts…
#4: Scrotum Massager
Here we go. The actually useful and usable products I was talking about not a moment ago.
Well. Usable, sure. Useful? I’m less certain.
It genuinely took me a while to figure this one out. And I don’t mean because at no point in my life have I ever thought, you know what I need right now? My scrotum massaging.
No, I struggled with this one because of the picture above. Specifically the diagram on the top left of the second picture. I guess that’s what happens when your designer draws a 2d cock on the 3d body.
This one costs an unusually specific £63.77, and the reviews are mixed – mainly about slow shipping time. I’m guessing this is 3D printed to order. And the fact the shop as a whole has only 65 sales at the time of writing implies they don’t sell too many.
Not surprising, really.
#5: Men’s Bolged Underwear
No, that’s not a typo. These fine undies are genuinely marketed as “bolged underwear”.
You may be thinking hey, are funny underpants weirder than a bollock massager?
I mean, it’s a good question – and certainly one that can only be answered subjectively – but I reckon the size of this bolge bulge looks like what might happen if said bollock massager went wrong and you ended up with very unwanted bruising.
Why would you want to make it look like you have medically unsound testicles?
Alas. This one makes no sense to me.
Yours for £17.99 a pair, and with a good variety of colours to choose from. Plus they sold over 2,000 pairs so clearly whilst I’m not their target market, there are plenty of nut balls (see what I did there) who are.
#6: Men’s Crotchless G-String
What would your wife say if you rocked up to bed wearing a pair of these bad boys?
I’m very much all in favour of women wearing crotchless underwear. But guys?
Well, the thing is, I personally wouldn’t wear these.
But if this is your bag then more power to you.
Are they more or less weird than a pair of underpants that make your balls the size of grape fruits? I’m honestly not sure.
What gets me about these panties (err, G-string sorry) is the little beads that I could only imagine tickle your anus as though you had a little stray hair down there. And that’s not a pleasant feeling in my book. Reminds me of when I was a kid and had worms. Yuck.
£19.99 if you’re interested. And I know you are.
#7: Silky Boxer Shorts with Bulge Enhancing Penis Sleeve
Oo-er, that’s quite the mouthful.
The product name, I mean… Men’s Silky Stretch Boxer Shorts with Bulge Enhancing Penis Sleeve Sheath.
Anything with a Sheath in the name instantly reminds me of Alan Partridge.
I’m not really sure of the target audience for these. I showed them to the Mrs and she laughed her head off. So I’m thinking they are a novelty item.
But then, maybe there are fetishists out there who like the feel of silk on their skin. That I can understand. However, the result of … using these pants for that sort of thing would lead to a real mess. And I’m guessing these aren’t intended as a single use item.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m a little stumped…
Sorry, I can’t help it with these puns. Grab a pair for £8.99.
#8: 100% Cashmere Masturbation Sleeve
Now then.
I read once on Reddit that a give away that someone is wealthy versus someone who is merely rich is that they will often be wearing low key yet highly expensive items, such as a cashmere sweater.
By that logic, were we to look in the trousers of said wealthy members of society, would we encounter cashmere masturbation sleeves?
Well, I guess that would then imply that looking in the trousers of merely rich people would yield less expensive woolen masturbation sleeves. And I simply don’t think that’s the case.
Honestly, whilst this may be the most luxuriously feeling I’ve never experienced, I can’t help but think about how annoying those little hairs are down the back of my neck every time I get my hair cut. I find them so iritating. All I see when I look at this is that I’d be wrapping my lad in a hair cut.
Unusual.
Buy your own cock hoodie right now, if you choose, for palindrome priced £31.13.
#9: Masturbation Sex 5 Finger Gloves
Have you ever wondered what it might feel like getting wanked off by Robocop?
No?
Well, that’s a shame because if you had, this would have been the perfect glove for you.
Apparently this glove suffers from quality issues with several buyers reporting rips on first use. At £9.56 for one that’s a risky gamble as other similarly priced toys definitely do offer higher quality.
But is the idea a good one?
I have to say, I’m intrigued.
#10: HOPE Foreskin Restoration Device
I don’t know what this. I don’t know what this does. And I don’t really understand why you might ever want this.
But clearly it’s to do with your foreskin. I’m not that thick.
At a guess it’s for guys who were circumcised at birth and wish they hadn’t been? But I don’t think that’s reversible, is it? And I don’t see how this device might help.
However, what do I know. Like I say, that’s a total guess.
Of all the men’s sex toys in this list, this one has to be the easiest to hide. Especially if you’re the type of enterprising chap who owns a 3D printer… because this looks very much like it was made using one of those contraptions.
If you know what this is, leave a comment. Or just click here and take a look see. It’s £37.56 at the time of writing.
#11: Stainless Steel Cock Ring with Urethral Sounds Ball
Oh Christ, now we’re getting serious.
I’ll be honest, there’s worse yet to come. No pun intended.
The thought of anything going down my willy makes me shudder. So much so that after I’d found this one last night I found myself sat on the sofa, watching I’m A Celebrity, and thinking that making Matt Hancock wear one of these would be a real Bush Tucker Trial, and no mistake.
This isn’t for me and it’s make me squirm just looking at it.
But if you’re into that sort of thing you can hurt yourself for just £6.99.
And there’s even some real customer photos to, err, get your teeth into before buying. Sweet Jimminy Christmas.
#12: Elephant Balls CBT Testicle Clamps
To the general public (and lucky them), CBT is an acronym for Compulsory Basic Training. In fact, if you talk about CBT to most people they think you might be doing your preliminary motorbike driving test.
If you have more high brow friends, they might assume you’re talking about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
To a handful of perverts, however, CBT means something entirely more sadistic.
Yes, enter the world of Cock and Ball Torture.
Or, if you’re like me… don’t. Because for the love of God, be nice to your meat and two veg, why not?
If you’re game for a laugh there’s some images of these being worn to enjoy here. Not cheap at £70.33 for a pair.
#13: Urethral Dip Stick
I had to order a replacement bath plug chain off Amazon fairly recently, and if I don’t think about this too much, I can pretend that this beaded torture implement is just a very nice and straight bath plug cord.
Unfortunately, of course, it’s absolutely not.
I’ll be honest, the very thought of this one makes me itch. By which I mean even after I’d looked at this, I could be sat on the sofa watching TV a few hours later and I’d suddenly remember it and impulsively drum my fingers over myself for reasons I can’t explain. Anything to distract myself.
Seriously. I don’t get it.
I guess this would make a perfect Secret Santa gift for a male colleague you hate. Worth it for £10.99?
#14: Men’s Enlargement Penis Massager
What’s great about this “men’s sex toy” (and I do use that phrase loosely), is that at a brief glance it looks like those European plug adaptors you need when you go on holiday.
Look a little bit close and you might be fooled into thinking some part has fallen off Bertha, Lovely Bertha. I can stretch that metaphor further by sharing that the characters in Bertha were invented by the terrifically named Ivor Wood.
So many euphemisms there, I am actually pretty pleased with myself.
Yes, if they were making Austin Powers for the 21st Century (the original film came out in 1997, to make you feel old) then maybe his Swedish Penis Enlarger would have been replaced by this motley contraption.
Or maybe not.
“massage” yourself long for £39.99.
But maybe give A&E an advance warning call, eh?
#15: OSKO Wearable Dragon Penis Sleeve
I think we all had a fantasy or two about Khaleesi, the mother of dragons.
But that was a long while ago, before the later episodes of Game of Thrones sent the series down the toilet.
However, if during that time you managed to find yourself a lady who fancied herself as a closet Targaryen you may be able to get bang into her good books by wearing the OSKO Dragon Penis Sleeve.
If I had to guess though, the sort of woman who thinks she’s a Khaleesi is highly likely to have her man serving more as a Jorah Mormont than a Khal Drogo. That would definitely be a kind of cuckold relationship, in my eyes. Sorry if that hits a nerve.
Anyway, you can try your luck for £45.18. Or if you fancy a different kind of dragon action keep scrolling.
#16: Fuxi Fantasy Dildo with Knot
Some men like dildos.
Admit it. You’ve seen your wife’s foot long black mamba and it’s left you with more questions than answers.
Well, be that as it may, this Fuxi Fantasy Dildo gives me even more questions still.
Or, perhaps, just one.
What, in the name of all that is holy, is the knot?
I didn’t know that a knot was a thing. But if you search Etsy, as I now have, you can find many dildo’s with a knot.
At £89.32 you might not think these things would sell. But they do. And they sell out fast. With over 2,500 happy customers, this is one Etsy store that has things all tied up.
But it’s knot for me.
#17: Goblin Masturbator
Are you one of those guys who found themselves a little too aroused by Willem Dafoe’s appeared as The Green Goblin in Spiderman?
Or perhaps you spent your childhood playing Warhammer and often fantasised about painting your grots in a different way?
Well, thanks to the modern misguided mind, you can indulge in your sordid fantasies by buying yourself a Goblin Masturbator.
I feel like this is the sort of men’s sex toy that should come with a 20 sided dice and the requirement to have a character sheet with your stats on before purchasing.
For the orc in you, prices begin at £65.29.
#18: Realistic Female Pair Of Feet
Oh yes.
It genuinely surprises me that these aren’t the weirdest thing on this list.
Maybe they should be.
But feet fuckers are a weird bunch. I don’t hold anything against you – especially not my feet – but I do know feet fans spunk big money on their hobby. Whether it’s on photos of feet, Only Fans custom feet videos (wow), or even more specialist items such as these, there’s big money to be made out of the foot fetish.
Now, as weird as these are, I also think these are pretty normal.
Is that wrong?
I don’t know. I think it’s marginally more acceptable to have two feet with vaginas in their heels than a dragon pussy / butt combo as is coming below.
I guess that’s how fucking nuts this list has ended up.
Get involved for £148.46. That’s just £74.23 per foot. Tasty.
#19: Two Hole Scalie Dragon Sex Toy
Yeah, so continuing on from where #15 left of, we have the two hole scalie dragon sex toy.
It comes in myriad colours, so that should definitely appeal to the kind of Dungeons & Dragons fanboys who have their favourite dragon type.
And you get two holes here, which is really good value.
Now, yeah… let’s be real. You’re fucking a dragon. Or a small part of a dragon.
The mind boggles.
At £104.11 this is not a cheap toy. But then it’s a fairly very specialised item.
Imagine a world pre-internet, when Dragon lovers the world over had to make do with just the thoughts in their head. What a time to be alive, eh?
#20: Fleshlight Gas Mask
And so we reach the 20th and final weird sex toy on the list.
This is something of a couples toy. And I guess you don’t need to be a man to be the wearer of the Fleshlight gas mask.
But I somehow suspect it would be a male couples kind of toy.
With that said I suspect it takes two male incomes to afford something like this with its £174.42 price tag.
Personally I think the thing looks like it would have me gagging just putting it on. That tube shoved down your gullet (I assume)… it can’t be comfortable.
Clearly I am not the target market for this item.
Hell, I am not the target market for any of these items.
Wrapping Up
This has been a pretty fucking whacky and wild ride. God help me if anyone looks at my internet history.
Do you agree / disagree with any of the items on the list?
Do you own any of these items?
Are there any weird men’s sex toys I’ve missed that you think should have made it on here?
Leave a comment and let me know. Use any old bollocks as your name / email, I don’t care. It’s always fun to hear from you.
Until next time.