7 Best Places To Hide Your Sex Toys

the-eyes-of-your-prying-wifeNot everyone’s wife, girlfriend or partner is quite so open minded as us kinky guys.

And that leads to problems.

You want to enjoy yourself – and why shouldn’t you? – but you also don’t want your significant other finding out.

Which raises the question, where is the best place to hide my sex toys?

Well, I did a little digging around and I have come up with what I think are the 7 best places for us guys to hide our ever expanding sex toy collections.

Here we go:

1. Your Office Drawers

thatcher-just-clocked-your-porn-stash
Good grief, a drawer full of Jazz Mags!

No, not your work office – your home office.

If you have a lockable drawer in your home office, it’s the ideal place to keep a toy. Right next to your computer for when you are feeling a little frisky, and comfortably close by so you don’t have to creep around with your bulky Fleshlight in your hand.

Just don’t keep anything useful in there. A good tip is to cover your toys with old, boring textbooks and hefty, over filled cardboard wallets. Nothing in here of any interest, move along, move along…

2. Your Car

1961-morris-super-minor-ad
Chances are you were conceived on the back seat of one of these.

Not just anywhere in the car though, the best place is in the spare wheel area, under the boot carpet.

You can fit a few toys in this little space, and unless your wife breaks down whilst driving your car, these bad boys are gunna be pretty safe from her prying eyes.

However, you must remember to to remove your toy collection before the car goes in for it’s MOT.

Wow, would that be a disaster. That curvy bird on the counter wouldn’t half be giving you the knowing looks if Trevor and Dave had been parading your sex toys around the garage all morning.

3. In Your Toolbox

 

the-old-reliable-toolbox.jpg
Good for stuffing your tool in.

Women do not go near toolboxes. Period.

Also, toolboxes tend to have all kinds of different nooks and crannies to hide larger objects in. Fleshlight’s are not the easiest thing to keep out of sight.

Just be sure to keep your toys wrapped in a plastic bag (noisy though they may well be) as you don’t want all that grease and grime fucking up your expensive toys.

4. In The Attic

Not very practical, and just going up there when it’s too hot or too cold is a royal pain the arse. But when was the last time your Mrs clambered up those rickety old steps?

stash-your-sex-toys-in-the-attic
The old haunted loft

Things are safe in the attic 🙂

Of course, I am fully aware that very few British houses have any meaningful loft any more.

Whether that’s because the old lady who lived in your house previously had packed so much insulation in there that you now live in tinderbox just waiting to go boom, or you have one of those inner city flats that has a cupboard that’s also your living room that’s also your bedroom.

I know the feeling.

5. Your Golf Bag

adam-scott-golf-bats
Nothing in there but my Golfing Bats

No one ever suspects the golf bag. Right at the bottom, or in the big ball pocket.

The same goes for any sort of sports bag – ski’s, fishing, that sort of thing.

Just not your gym bag. That’s a recipe for disaster.

6. The Garage

blue garage door
Blue, like my favourite kind of movie.

Unless you’re a tidy and neat kinda guy, then you should be able to find a safe spot amongst all the bugs, gribblies and spiders.

Now, again, much like with the attic suggestion I am all too aware that the average British car hole has long since been turned into a fourth bedroom, a “den”, or a home office. Hey… see #1 in that case.

7. The Shed

dads-shed
Your own private wank cabin

A little like the garage, but very much less likely to have a handy door that leads directly in from the house.

Again, be sure to keep your toys wrapped up nice and tight. Nothing like a slug trail down your butt plug to spoil your fun.

Still, unless your wife enjoys a bit of gardening, she is unlikely to find your sex toy stash in the shed.

You missed…

Can you think of any more? Leave a comment and let me know!

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